Caseman's Life
 
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Below are 25 journal entries, after skipping by the 25 most recent ones recorded in Caseman's LiveJournal:

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    Tuesday, April 17th, 2012
    2:31 pm


    not looking forward to lonliness.
    felt you, really felt you last night.
    held you in my arms and felt that deep sense of longing.
    thought my broken heart couldnt feel that anymore.
    guess I was wrong.
    going to be so hard once youre finally gone.
    the double-edged sword of our gradual seperation will come down.
    i know youll feel it too. its just whether or not you'll accept it
    or run fom it.
    i hope you dont run. not just from a desire for solidarity, but out of love
    out of concern.
    face the lonliness. face the darkness of an empty home.
    be with yourself.
    i know its scary, but if you face that fear and conquer it
    you will find a strength and a calmness you've never known.

     

    i write this as much for you as I do myself.

     

    I still love you. I always will. I will come out of this stronger, better.
    I will remember the good times. I will remember the love.
    I will remember the nights nothing else mattered.
    Thank you.

    Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

    12:19 am
    Just keep running.
    Monday, April 16th, 2012
    6:57 pm
    I can't save you. It's not my job any more.
    I want to so stop you from going down this road.
    I've tried to stop you going down this road.
    You won't listen.
    He is going to Break. Your. Heart.
    mark my fucking words.
    Sunday, April 15th, 2012
    2:11 pm

    i can no longer save you from yourself
    i can no longer be your guiding force
    i will be here to help you up from a fall
    but as your friend.

    Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

    Friday, April 13th, 2012
    11:22 am

    how do I make you understand?
    how can I reconcile this last conflict?
    It pains me to think of you with him.
    I don't want you back, I know this is over.
    I just wish you were as alone as I am.
    Its dumb, its selfish, but there it is.

     

    Times like last night, "I don't know what I'm going to do without you"
    "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry."
    Then you run from my arms to his.
    I just don't understand it.
    I have no one, no prospects, and I'm probably better this way.
    Is is out of love that I don't want you to rush into something else?
    Jealousy? Anger? I don't know.

     

    My goal this weeken, besides all my academic commitments, is forgiveness.
    For you, for me, for us, for him.
    I have to let this go. This is the last thing.

    Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

    Monday, April 9th, 2012
    3:00 am
    Who the fuck are you?
    How is staying out until all hours of the morning drinking with your stupid fucking friends better then being in a loving, committed relationship?
    You are turning into your mother.
    How is this what you left me for? Becoming a reckless teenager again? Really?
    So angry.
    I don't know you at all anymore.
    Get the fuck out of my life.
    Sunday, April 8th, 2012
    8:05 pm
    Where do I do from here?
    I am so full of trepidation.
    I don't know how to feel.
    I don't know what to think.
    I want so badly to just be alright, to be finally healed.
    But I still long for you. Still feel that lack.
    So strong is the draw to be comfortable again, to not feel this anxious uncertainty.

    Why do I still get so angry? Why do I still torture myself with thoughts of you and him?
    I come here, to this place, and face the memory of you.
    Perhaps that is what I miss. Not you, not the you that you are now, but the you I met here so many years ago.
    I trusted in love then. I trusted in us then. I still believed that no matter what, it would be worth this pain again if I coud just be close to you.
    I miss being wanted. I miss being important. I miss being desired.
    I miss the way you used to look at me, so clearly.
    I miss the love we shared, and the belief in a better future together.

    No lines run parallel. No relationship lasts forever. Everything changes, everything is in constant motion.
    I know this, I have always known this. But part of me is still learning, I guess.

    So I guess reflection is order. What was the Universe trying to teach me today?
    All I have heard all day from sources around me is a message of hope, of Resurrection.
    I need to move through that process. I need to experience the rebirth of self, find my own center, again and again.
    Good Friday is the betrayal, the death. But that death is necessary, and we should be grateful for it.
    Thank you for all the doubts, and for all the questioning,
    for all the loneliness and for all the suffering.
    For all the emptiness, and the scars it left inside.
    it inspired in me, an impetus to fight.
    For the conviction, for the purpose found along.
    For the strength and courage, that in me I've never known.
    And if it seems to you, that my words are undeserved,
    I write this in gratitude for whatever good it serves.
    Part of me knows I will rise above this, knows I will find the strength to grow into the next greatest version of myself.
    Suffering always brings us back to this point, this test of endurance.
    This place where our resolve is steeled against the fires of broken passions.

    Is it still worth it?

    This seems like a question of forgiveness. Am I ok with the transaction I made?
    Was the passion so intensely felt worth the pain that cuts so deep?
    Anger clouds me from accepting that it was. Anger keeps me here, in this process.
    I have yet to find a good place to express anger.
    I want to tell you. Telling you always made me feel better.
    Havn't I always said that communication is key? Honesty?
    But I can't count on having you to talk to about everything.
    Thus this (probably crazy) process of writing you things you'll never read.
    It's all I have.

    I must escape this fear. I must remember who I am. I must become that.
    Let there be, let there always be, Neverending Light.
    To my questions, there will be answers.
    I cannot see the growth yet, I cannot understand the lesson yet.
    I am still too close to this.

    A tiny voice inside me keeps repeating that it will get better, I will be happier, I will be more fulfilled.

    Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

    Wednesday, April 4th, 2012
    11:49 pm

    if we are to be friends, we have to spend some time apart
    i keep thinking im ok with you being around
    then days like yesterday happen and i have to get away
    i dont want to be judgemental
    i dont want to be angry
    i dont want to be jealous

     

    i need to move past this, but i can't. you're everywhere i look
    the last bit of heartache won't heal
    i keep picking at the scab
    i wonder what you're doing
    then when i find out i wish i didnt know

     

    we can be friends, but right now i need you gone
    i need to heal

    Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

    8:48 pm
    You do miss me.
    That makes it a bit easier to swallow, I guess.
    Means I ment something.
    Means our love had meaning.
    I still think you're running.
    I think maybe you realize it too.
    Part of this hasn't fully hit you yet.
    Like you said to me before, just wait until you actually get out on your own.
    We want the same things still:
    To be able to grow from this experience
    To maintain a friendship
    To not rush into another relationship

    I hope that's what happens. I hope that our pain is minimized.
    I love you, Sammy. I always always will.
    But its changing forms. Morphing to something else.
    I'll never forget you, never forget what we were, "what we claimed was ours"
    Thank you for actually taking the time to talk to me tonight. Ment a lot.

    I'll get over you some day. But for right now, I miss you. and I love you. and thats ok.
    12:05 am


    Sure just ignore me. Pretend everything is fine. Surround yourself with idiots. I'll get better. You'll still be running.

    Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

    Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012
    5:31 pm
    So much for mourning me, eh?
    1:05 pm
    I am at arms length in more than one way now arn't I?
    Its so strange to not have residence in your heart.
    I pray this process goes smoothly. For both our sakes.
    I'm not taking the loss of your affections very well.
    I don't have someone to replace you.
    I don't have groups of people clamoring for me.
    There is a loneliness here that I haven't known in a long, long time.
    I'm embracing it because I know I have to be happy in this loneliness, or the cycle will just repeat itself.
    I just long to be held, to be loved.
    I had it for so long that losing it is strange.
    9:04 am


    god I miss you.
    i miss your touch
    i miss your smell
    i miss your kiss
    i miss your head on my chest, laying in darkness
    i miss being close to you.
    that is what i will miss the most, for the longest time.
    physical expression of the love we once shared
    i can still keep you in my heart, but now you are beyond my reach.
    and its painful
    i miss you

    Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

    Monday, April 2nd, 2012
    11:23 pm
    I really hope you miss me tonight.
    I feel ashamed for even thinking that, because I shouldn't wish pain on anyone. Least of all you.
    Part of me just wants to feel like I still mean something to you.
    I'm sorry.
    11:12 pm
    To give is to receive

    I was mistaken in believeing that I could give anyone anything other than what I want for myself. Since we want to experience peace, love, and forgiveness, these are the only gifts I would offer others. It is not charity on my part to offer forgiveness and love to others in place of attack. Rather, offering love is the only way I can accept love for myself.

    My experience today reflected this lesson. I woke up today, as I have every day this past week, after only a few hours of sleep. My mind has recovered enough to maintain a clarity of thought 90% of the time, but this process of waking up has been very strange. My body shakes, almost violently. It's like shivering but I'm not cold. It's almost like a physical withdrawal from affection. Today, when this happened, I tried to calm myself down, to talk myself out of it. But no matter what I did, I couldn't stop it. I had to get out of the bed and walk downstairs. The cycle of stress->denial soon blossomed into a full-blown anxiety attack. I was sweating bullets, pacing around downstairs.

    Then I saw Sammy's cellphone. Before I get into this, let me describe as best I can the anxiety attack: your heart beats loudly in your ears, you have an overwhelming amount of uncomfortable energy, and your mind is searching frantically for a reason or a cause so you can fix it and get back to baseline. So there lay Sammy's phone. I don't know if I can ever qualify my reasoning, but it seemed like something that would make the pain stop if I deliberately invaded the sanctity of her privacy. Maybe I felt like she had been deceiving me, as she had before, and that finding out the truth would at least give me a reason to feel nervous, and something to focus my mind on that I could fix.

    It didn't work any other time I did it. Invading other's privacy is an attack on them. People have the right to their own secrets. Especially my now EX girlfriend. What she does with whom is her business these days. I didn't properly learn that lesson years ago with Stephanie, I guess. Hopefully now I have. In any case, I couldn't get into her phone anyway. She had learned from her previous mistake and added a secure lockscreen. I fiddled with it momentarily, then put it down, realizing how childish I was being, and felt my anxiety double. Now I was almost drenched in sweat. My own stink filled my nose. I tried running around the building, I tried to lay down and psych myself out. Nothing was working. Long story short, I took half of a xanax and sat in front of the fan upstairs. In the dark. On the floor. Next to the bed where Sammy was sleeping. This past week has really found me in some bizarre situations.

    So what's the context? Why the quote? Well, yesterday I picked up a book my mom sent to Sammy and I after seeing (what I couldn't) how strained our relationship had become: Love is Letting Go of Fear. It is an excellent book. There are a number of concepts in it, but the one that I was focusing on today was the quote above. To have love, give it to another. Love is an act of giving. In CWG, it's (loosely) "to have something, give it to another." Just because Sammy is gone does not mean my life is without love. I always have and always will love her. So I give her my love, and in doing so realize that love is something that I still have. In abundance. I give her forgiveness, and understanding. She is still Samantha, she is still a person on a journey. We all make mistakes along the way, we all inadvertently cause people pain. We must all sometimes make the hard decision. To do what is right for ourselves, and ultimately the other. The decision that will be painful and difficult in the short term, but much much better in the long view.

    So I am finding my inner peace once again. I am trying to give Samantha the space and understanding to find hers.

    7:46 pm
    "Love is stronger than justice.

    Sting said that, and it is perfectly true. So if you feel that you have been "unjusted" and are looking for 'justice', you may be looking for the wrong thing. What would happen if you sought love instead? And what would happen if you gave love instead of seeking it?

    This might require a bit of forgiveness. Yet if you start with yourself, if you begin by forgiving yourself for all the things you may have done that were not okay with another, you will find it much easier for forgive another for what was done that is not okay with you."

    Second time in two days. Obviously something I need to learn.
    Sunday, April 1st, 2012
    10:55 pm
    I've been here all along.
    Waiting for myself.
    I can be my own rock.
    I have found my strength again.
    10:47 pm
    I forgive you.
    For leaving. For being with him. For everything.
    I took a long time putting myself in your position.
    I don't yet forgive myself.
    But I have walked a mile in your shoes.
    I don't know why I couldn't hear you when you said you needed me.
    I understand that now. So well.
    I don't know why I blamed everything on you.
    Every hurtful thing I have ever said to you.
    Every night I left you alone in that cold, dark room.
    Every time I turned my back on you.
    I am so, so sorry.

    We can be friends. Eventually. I need to let you go.
    Need to let myself be ok.
    I will never, ever stop loving you, though.
    And I will always be here for you. No matter what.
    Thank you for the best years of my life.
    4:37 pm
    My dad/stepmom are awesome.
    I ate almost my entire plate.

    Every day is getting easier. The sadbrain attacks are still hard but getting more manageable.
    11:47 am
    This sucks.
    Hurting this morning.
    I need someone to comfort me. I need someone to hold me while I cry.
    You've been the only one that could do that.
    It feels so wonderful when you do, but something tells me its not healthy.
    I just don't have that type of friend right now.
    I thought I did.
    I don't know. I hate asking for help. I hate asking for comfort.
    I hate all this sadness. I hate all this loneliness.

    I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.
    I feel so pathetic.
    7:28 am
    you called me
    just your voice helped to soothe me
    I dont know how I'm going to handle it when you're finally totally gone,
    but for right now I'm glad I talked to you.

    I need to find the strength to give you space.
    6:39 am
    this is still the hardest part
    waking up and youre not here
    its why i havnt slept more then a few hours at a time in the past week
    something about the middle of the night alone...
    God I wish youd just text me.

    That was the thought that started me off yesterday too.
    Maybe you're not texting me because your new friends took your phone.
    Maybe they've been taking your phone to protect you.
    From me.

    From my moments of weakness.
    From my inability to deal with this.
    It's offically been 24 hours since we last spoke.
    Since you hugged me goodbye.

    Just one text. If it was to tell me to leave you alone, let you have some space.
    Being ignored is just too hard.
    What happened to leaving gradually?

    Last time you ignored me it was because of Calvin.
    You told me you had asked him for space.
    I saw you two together. You can't hang out in a public place and not expect your picture be taken.
    You probably think I can't handle that. Which is ok I guess.

    I'm addicted to you. Cutting me off cold turkey is bad.
    The withdrawals hurt.

    I'm getting better in a lot of ways, but I'm still having trouble with this.
    Waking up alone, knowing not only are you not here, youre not coming back.
    I miss you. That's all. I guess I will for some time.

    I'm sorry.
    2:11 am
    Four Years Past
    All of this is from the fall. So much of it is as true today as it was then. No regrets.

    "I want you. I want all of you.
    But every act I make is a statement of who I am.
    So at any crossroads, I must decide which statement I wish to make.
    Am I a man that would try to bind you, try to hold you to me out of my selfish desire to hold on to this thing we have, or am I a man that loves you enough to let you experience the things you need to, a man courageous enough to believe that this feeling I have is true. I don't think I am better then him, I don't think we could be better then you and he could be, but I really truly believe that what you have said to me is true. You and I will be together. Someday. In a way that will change our lives forever, more then it already has."

    "I will love you forever."

    "The moment I feel that I am limiting you, Sammy, I will step back.
    Please do not ever let me limit you.
    I want you to be the grandest version of yourself in every given moment.
    I only want to remind you of who you really are. I only want to bring you to yourself.
    I promised you, I will never let you forget who you are.
    I do this because you helped to bring me back to myself."

    "Don't flip out, please. Don't stop talking to me.
    Dont try to shut me out to save me from myself.
    Your friendship is worth more then my petty desires."

    "And on that flipside of the coin, here as your friend,
    I want you to be happy.
    I hope that jealousy hasn't ruined your chances with -----
    I am as grateful to you as one soul can be to another.
    Because I feel like this had to happen.
    I feel like no matter what happens
    No matter what we become in the end.
    I will always be grateful for you
    I will always love you
    I will always be here for you
    In any and all capacities I can."

    "The smartest thing to do would be to maintain the simple love.
    If we can.
    The smartest thing to do would be to continue to carry eachother.
    when we can.
    There is a reason I took the time to write out the handwritten note I gave you.
    No judgements.
    No expectations.
    Only love, Sammy.
    Understanding, acceptance.
    Friendship.

    I only want to lift you up.
    I never want to bring you down.
    I only want to help you along.
    I never want to hold you back.

    All I want, then Sammy. All I have been trying to say for all these words, is this:
    I want you to be happy.

    I don't understand this any better then you.
    I don't know what to do any better then you.
    I only know I am better for having known you.

    I cannot say this enough:
    I love you kid.
    Thank you."
    1:40 am
    I just realized on the way home that this is the longest I have gone without talking to you practically since we met
    probably why i feel the need to type these thoughts out as if I were writing to you
    thankfully no one reads livejournal anymore, so I feel safe talking here.
    I miss you tonight. But it's not as painful. It's just a little sad.
    and thats ok.
    I just hope wherever you are, you're happy and safe.
    Saturday, March 31st, 2012
    11:26 pm
    I'm sorry.
    all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy.
    I just never thought it wouldn't be with me.

    I want to be happy for you. The thought that you felt this pain I'm going through kills me, but the idea that you have an escape from it brings me some kind of happiness.

    all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy.
    even if it means being happy with him.
    I shouldn't tell you that I can't stand you being with him.
    I should be able to see pictures of you two together posted to facebook and not die a little inside.

    its just that the things we think and the way we feel doesn't always line up.

    Watch What You Say
    Say What You Mean
    Know What You Think
    Believe What You Feel

    I do believe what I feel: endless love for you. Love means acceptance. Love sometimes means letting go. Love changes forms. Love never, ever ends.

    Every ending hurts. This one hurts deeper than anything ever has. This ending has brought me back to darkness I thought I had escaped. IT WAS STILL WORTH IT.

    Falling in love with you was the single greatest experience of my life. All of those moments are burned forever in my heart. Every moment I was with you I felt like I was in the arms of pure white light of love. The first half of our relationship was filled with so much... nameless wonderment.

    You let me be me. You kept me in check on the path towards growing more towards my potential. You gave me back to myself in so many ways. I think perhaps in some other universe where I was ready for you, we got married. I won't ever make that mistake again. I won't let fear corrupt something beautiful. I need a token for you. I need a tattoo, a reminder. That was your lesson for me, I feel. That and a million other things.

    I'm gonna be okay. I keep saying it and its more true every time. Your patience, your love, your understanding still blow me away. I have never in my life met anyone as dedicated to her friends and family as you are. If I can ever be half the person you are, I will feel like I have really achieved something.

    It hurts not having you here, but it is probably helping me be ok. If being where you are is helping you to be ok, then I'm happy. You can always come to me, you can cry, you can laugh. You don't have to, but my door is always open to you.

    I will never forget you. I will never regret you. I am a better person for having known you, and I will carry a piece of you with me the rest of my life. I am so grateful. It outweighs my pain. How can I be sad, how can I be angry? Look at who we were. Look at who we are.
    Thank You.
    Thank You.
    Thank You.
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